Internalized Ableism

#adhd #health #behavior #bias #habits

A topic that has come up frequently for me recently—in comments, conversations, and my own experiences—is how internalized ableism can get in the way of people with ADHD and other disabilities feeling proud of themselves.

While you can find many different definitions on the internet, when I talk about internalized ableism in the context of our community, I’m referring to the belief that typically-abled people are superior and that we should be like them. It's an oversimplification, but that is the basic idea. At its core, it’s discrimination against ourselves. Ableism is discrimination against people with disabilities; with internalized ableism, we are essentially discriminating against ourselves. We believe that we should be like neurotypical people, function as they do, and that we are bad, wrong, broken, or less-than if we don't.

This manifests in thoughts like:

These statements completely disregard the fact that we struggle with these things. It's not strange for someone with ADHD to struggle with time management; it would be strange if they didn't. These challenges are a part of our condition. The issue is this idea that we are wrong and should be different, or that we shouldn't need support.

Something I've noticed again and again in this community is our difficulty in feeling proud of our accomplishments, and I believe internalized ableism is often the cause. We compare ourselves to neurotypical people or those without disabilities, thinking, "Well, I accomplished this, but I needed support that I shouldn't need," or, "I accomplished this, but it doesn't count because it's not enough. It's not as good, as fast, or as soon as what someone else did."

It's human nature to compare ourselves to others. When we do that in a world where most people are neurotypical, it's easy to judge ourselves as not being as good. "I'm not as good of a friend because they remembered my birthday and I didn't remember theirs." "I'm not a good employee because I struggle with being to work on time."

So even when we accomplish amazing things, like coming up with great ideas in a meeting, it's hard to feel proud of them. There's always a caveat: "Yeah, but I was late." "Yeah, but I didn't turn it in on time." "Okay, I made dinner, but I had to use a recipe." "I wrote a New York Times bestseller, but I needed the support of a writing buddy. I didn't do it by myself, so does it really count?"

Then, if we do manage to do something we would normally be proud of without any caveats—we accomplished an amazing thing, by ourselves and on time—the thought becomes, "Well, that's not enough." It's not enough that I accomplished this one thing because look how messy my car is. It's not enough because it doesn't make up for the areas where I struggle. "It's not enough that I got an A in this class, because I got a C in this other class where I struggle."

We either feel like we're not accomplishing what we should be, or we feel that what we do accomplish doesn't count because of the support we needed. Or, we acknowledge the accomplishment but deem it insufficient because of all the other areas where we struggle. "I did throw my friend an amazing party, but that's not enough because I forgot to text her last night."

This internalized ableism not only gets in the way of us feeling proud of things we have genuinely accomplished, but, perhaps more insidiously, it also gets in the way of us actually accomplishing things. If we believe we are somehow bad, wrong, or broken for admitting we struggle with something, we might not admit it. We might not seek the support we need. We might even be in denial to ourselves.

I went to community college intending to transfer to a four-year university and ended up dropping out. As a gifted student, I felt I "should have been able to do it myself." I "shouldn't have needed" accommodations, so I didn't go to disability services. I didn't ask for them because I thought I should be able to handle it myself. As a result, I dropped out, and I still regret that. I would have loved to have a college degree; it was very important to me. So often, things that are important for us to accomplish for ourselves and our families don't happen because we can't admit to ourselves or others that we struggle. That's internalized ableism, too.

There's a real cost to this. It's not just the pride we don't get to feel or the things we don't accomplish. It affects our relationships and our physical and emotional well-being. When we refuse the supports we need, we can end up as workaholics, pouring so much of ourselves into our work because we feel it's never enough. This can lead to anxiety, panic attacks, burnout, and depression. The negative thoughts and judgments we levy against ourselves daily have a real cost. We might end up choosing partners who agree with our self-perception that we are garbage because we believe we are not enough.

The cost isn't just to ourselves; it's also to the world. The contributions we could offer are lost if we are too discouraged by our failures to appreciate our successes and quit, or if we don't achieve these successes at all because we lack the necessary support. The world loses, too.

The cost is high for us as individuals and for our families. This is something that gets passed on from generation to generation. If our children hear us saying these things about ourselves, what will they think when they struggle with the same things?

The cost of this is so high that I wanted to talk about it and start to become aware of it. It's not as if becoming aware of internalized ableism makes it magically disappear; it's a process. One thing that can help is to compare yourself to you, rather than to others. Ask, "Is this good for me?" That was one of the first things I started saying to combat my own internalized ableism. When someone said something that reinforced the belief that what I was doing wasn't enough, I started saying things like, "This is good for me." "This is an improvement for me." "This is personal growth for me." "This is an area in which I struggle, and this amount that I did is something I can be proud of because, for me, it's an improvement."

Letting go of the "shoulds" is also crucial. Anytime you hear a "should"—"I should know better," "I should be able to do this," "I should have," "I shouldn't need"—that's often a cue that internalized ableism is at play. Challenge it. For instance, "I should be able to keep my house clean by myself." Have I ever, in my entire life, been able to do that? Have I ever not needed help with that? No? Then that "should" is a lie. It's just not true. This is an area where I struggle, and I'm going to need help, and that's okay.

I want to hear from you and start a conversation about this. Does this resonate with you? Is this something you have experienced or are experiencing? Is there something you have done that was difficult for you, that you should be proud of, but feel you can't be because of internalized ableism? Feel free to brag about it in the comments. Say, "This is something that I accomplished," or, "This is something I want to accomplish, and maybe I need more support."

Thank you to my Brain Advocates and all my Patreon Brains for supporting the work on this channel, which allows us to tackle difficult, important topics like this. And thank you to every ADHD advocate out there who is helping to dismantle this internalized ableism.

I can't think of anyone who exemplifies this more than Dani Donovan, a good friend of mine and the creator of the Anti-Planner. Her content has always been very effective at dismantling ableism and busting the idea that we should be different than we are. Her Anti-Planner is designed for ADHD brains that have been told they shouldn't struggle. It provides tools that work with your brain instead of shaming you for how it works. (This is not sponsored, by the way.)

I had to share because there are a lot of great exercises in the Anti-Planner that I personally use to help with my own internalized ableism. The "discouraged" section is full of ways to challenge these beliefs and be kinder to yourself while still making progress. Some of my personal favorites from this section are:

One of the things I love about her planner is that you can flip to the page that fits how you're currently feeling. There's no page-one pressure; you just go to whatever you need at the time. Be aware that there are many bad-quality counterfeits floating around, so use the link in the description to get the real one and support a fellow creator.

I'm going to try my best not to feel like I should have made a better video.
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